沒有消失的創傷

有一部電影，媽媽對失戀哭著問要多久才好得起來的女兒說：「大概三年，五年最多了。」雖然當時笑出來，但這還當真不好笑，我信了這個編劇，在那場難忘的失戀後，先是過了三個月，很有儀式感的寫了一堆文字告別那段關係；後來過了三年，裝作雲淡風輕的發了一篇動態，配上電影《How to Be Single》Dakota Johnson短髮迎風的劇照；又過了五年，多了幾段戀情後，發現自己始終好不起來的心，再也找不到確切的字眼形容那塊空出來的，或說變得坑坑巴巴的身體某個地方。

那段感情沒有名分+有了女友的身分，總共也不到兩年，但真正的在我身上留下印記。失戀的時候台灣正進入冬季，我剛從大學畢業，本該進入人生第一份工作，邁向新的身分，我卻沒有一絲力氣，所幸朋友收留搬離台北，所幸有一份在海島渡假村的工作，所幸應徵成功，所幸海島陽光明媚、每天跟外國人待在一起、講著英文，新的刺激讓我暫時忘記糟透了的心情，但covid-19打壞了我想在國外療傷的計畫，當時盡全力去到國外的勇氣和努力，全部歸零。

其實我那麼努力地想掙脫失戀的痛苦，是大家都在說要走出來、向前看、該忘就要忘，但是電影《call me by your name》裡睿智的男主角父親卻希望失戀的兒子好好體會、感受那種痛。

-You were both lucky to have found each other. When you least expect it, nature has cunning ways of finding our weakest spot. Just remember, I’m here. But now, you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you never wanted to feel anything. But feel something you obviously did. You had a beautiful friendship, maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away. And pray their sons land on their feet. But I am not such a parent. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty. And less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to make yourself feel nothing so as not to feel anything, what a waste! I may have come close, but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. Just remember: our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. Before you know it, your heart’s worn out; as your body there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now, there’s sorrow, paint, don’t kill it. And with it, the joy you felt.-

我想知道如果創傷能在文化裡不再被如此定義，不再有著需要與它說再見的需求，那我們的生活會是甚麼樣子？