Some Pretty Fucked up Dreams — Part 1
2023/6/27
Someone gave me a dog, opened the door and saw the cute pie. Or maybe a cat, can’t remember.
2023/7/8
Kisses with a brand new stranger, something like acting in a drama. Started from testing light touch on the nose and cheek, then started to ignite.
Have done everything, and for the first time in few years, saw clearly the parts, the moment of in, and out.
2023/7/9
A lot of admin stuff, tax, endless.
2023/7/11
Went back to an old apartment that I used to live in alone, found a bag, there’s a dead body. Recalled that I killed a person. The bag smells like blood, I saw blood too but not too much. I processed the scene before I guess. Was half awake trying to think if I actually have killed someone, was not really afraid.
Also there was super big wind and snow, I was skiing and then need to take a flight. There were other friends. Wind was blowing so strongly and we could not even stand up. Still took a flight in that wind, thinking we might crash anytime.
2023/7/12
Party, or also an event we are hosting with office colleagues. I am the same OCD, trying to fix some legends. Al***t A**m Hats*** et al, all there.
In the middle we were studying English, sitting there like students. A**m and I sit next to each other trying to compare answers and realized we have different exercise books, wondering, flipping pages, and during flip, for a second we held hands, not even hands, fingers. And nothing was said, no eye contact, just a tiny bit of surprise.
Also saw Jo***ny in the dream, his face very clear, he became mature with more poised aura, white pants, longer hair than in memory. Face looks young, smiling eyes.
2023/7/13
Dreamed a long one about moving back to Dubai. Was not happy.
Also was working with Nimisha — how on earth did she leave a mark in my memory?
Anyways, then I was going to places in Dubai, fancy malls, all new.
Now that I recall I had a Saudi dream few weeks ago too, there is a new super tall building in Saudi and ponds and small waterfalls underneath, a shopping mall and business area, crowded with local people hanging out. I was waiting to meet the PIF girl, Ta***r and we talked just super briefly.
2023/7/14
I was some sales, and consulting sales kind of person. Keep trying to hone a pitch, “we are adjusting to your demand…”
Also was at a party, or someone’s wedding in a relatively remote resort. Someone’s husband was chasing me, they are both not attractive as a couple. She was accusing me, I was totally not triggered — purely disposing them.
2023/7/16
Wondering about the fact that it is so well designed and smart to have Koto-ku as the logistics center for entire Tokyo.
Later chasing Leah Dou concert on the street of Hong Kong, maybe MongKok, almost like a behavioral art — it’s moving and some people chasing, in the dark with fire, I was chasing all the way to a under path, so dark, absolutely no light, scary. I still went because there is a couple behind me. In the end it is a quite futuristic mall.
2023/7/17
A British girl ate my breakfast, I pointed it out in front of many people, she was mad and I was calm.
Not bad to confront someone in a dream.
2023/7/18
Got another apartment but was quite bothered by the moving, did not even want to move I think. Even felt the second apartment is a burden.
2023/7/20
There’s school event or something like that, company event? But feels like middle school, outdoor setting, simple stage.
Was looking at him from distance, he is playing the violin with others or some other instrument. I had this super weird emotion, not sad but just want him to see I still play, later there is a chance for me to take my violin and bow, and walked away in front of him from far, but I think he saw.
Later, there is this trip, day trip or something to a small park. Before that I was talking to an IN***D girl on a bus, and we were talking about a Japanese classmate called Hanaryo "花涼" and I could not spell it for few times, also then he was living in Beijing. Now I think the whole thing is happening in Beijing maybe.
Back to the park, so there’s this Japanese guy, maybe colleague or classmate, we knew each other for a while. He is approaching me aggressively, hugging, leaning on me, and touching on the breast.
What’s weird is we are visiting together with him and others, so he saw. I was intentionally trying to make him jealous so that’s fine. But in my mind I don’t resist this guy either, yet just worried about being seen by colleagues.
2023/7/25
Romance. Someone I didn’t see for years. He loves me, expresses his pain, had a very quiet good sex. In the dream, he was Q, or even SJY for a second. The plot goes the same as Beijing story, married and torn and struggling with the situation.
So in the end, it’s not him, it’s the feeling he left that lasts.
2023/12/15
Such a visual dream. For so long.
I visited his home with two friends, again, only the wife was there. She welcomed us, we spent a day in his 1990 style Beijing communism condo home. All too familiar. His room, a blue steel low bed, a window facing trees on the street. “He kept a sparrow in the drawer,” says the wife when the auditors are here, checking for birds. It was let out, a colorful quiet one.
Entire time, I was afraid of being disclosed. Can feel the wife is a nice person, but doubtful and anxious for a lasting period. Didn’t really feel sorry, just thought “makes sense for him to be so careful”.
We were in the kitchen together, I looked at the trash bin and said “this is a smart way”, wife pulled the bag and found a hole to dump stuff in, after dropping the bag it goes back to the bin. She smiled and said yes.
I was always trying to say things to divert any possibility of her asking me directly “is it you”. She cooked some quick things for us, but my friend was urging me to leave, he knows all and says that "he" will come home soon. I should get going before that.
I panicked and rushed, saying we won’t eat. Wife was a direct person, she was kind of “whatever”. Then I think the kitchen scene happened, maybe.
On my way out, somehow I took some men’s shaving stuff, from him, forgot why. Small details.
Suddenly, wife’s phone was ringing. Weirdly it was a celebrity MC from a TV show calling random people to participate. She took it and we are on camera, it was her, me and my friends. “There will be images of me in his home saved forever, he will know, crap”.
A bit lengthy part about participating the games, nothing too notable except for a lot of it was Japan related. I even had a line or two in Japanese, in the dream.
Eventually he is back. Next thing I see is we are in his neighbor’s home, a rich, old and wise man who seems to know what happened. He just left us in a room, a moment of some privacy, but friends are still here - just not the wife.
He is topless, tired, deeply looking at me to the bone mallow. His chest, neck, white and in a shape that was never changed. I pictured it so easily and completely in the dream, quite amazing. Could almost feel the touch, a bit bouncy, moisturized. But his arm, right arm. There are three big scars, one big one and two small ones. Seems still healing, some sort of burn mark.
He said “don’t worry, I was in so much pain, so painful so I have to. But it’s ok now”. I know he was referring to mental pain. I felt strongly, but couldn’t respond.
This moment somehow Paul, yes, the cad Paul came in, as a normal aged wise man, suggesting me to stop. As if knowing all.
The end is us approaching the shoe change area and ready to leave. Never looked at him once again. It was just that 10 seconds or so in the dream. It was so vivid, and I still feel for him. Want to care, want to love, want to make him feel less painful, want to save him.
Want to save him, as always.
2023/12/23
Recently dreamed about him several times, why?
Weekend afternoon dream. About seeing him on "Red", selling stuff. He is so old, ugly, selling some team and lifestyle and whatever religious things while reading some book “to purge soul”.
Also saw the wife's account, with a damn name that is related to him. Selling mask and skincare things, the common cheap behaviors.
But still I felt sad for a second of a video showing example of hands, her hands in his account, they are sitting next to each other just like a couple, even from a side and slightly behind angle.
Why do I dream about such things?
2024/1/17
Two intensive dreams.
Going to a small music concert with parents, held by a friend of mom. She suffered from mental issues after her lover left her, also she has a son with ex-husband. We saw her yelling and running inside the roadside grasses before entering the show venue, she has totally lost it. Also I saw her testing some explosive fireworks at the entrance, then she saw us and shouted “what are you looking at? run!” I immediately realized that she was planning a large scale suicidal explosion.
Then the entire dream is about running. I kept running and lost my parents mid way, also dropped my phone. In the end I randomly ran into a relative and he got me back to fetch my phone but had no luck, then we went on a double deck bus and again surprisingly we saw parents there with another relative. At the same time we felt a minor shake just like a small earthquake, so I knew the explosion happened and three of us are all safe.
Me walking back home and there is this muscular mixed guy always following me, not following but waiting for me and then showing strong interests. I think he grabbed me physically each time. I actually felt something. So not fully against it. Then the next two three times we went to a bar place, its raining super heavily outside. We were about to go to my place and just do it. Somehow A**m came with the look as if he knew, he was confronting that guy asking questions and giving me a denying eye. I told a friend right next to me “he came in every time there is a guy approaching, so disruptive”.
Still me and that guy went, he got on a taxi but I pretended not seeing and just walked in the rain. He came out and grabbed me again as expected, and started to touch my bottom in the rain. Later he said my address and say “I know exactly where we are going”, I asked “how do you know my address” then realized he has been following me for a long time.
Was getting quite excited about what is to happen after we got home but the dream stopped there. Then shifted to something like a novel which is about this experience, but ours was just one chapter so I dreamed about the other main characters story very quickly. There was some really explicit illustrations in my chapter inside the book, but i never got to it.
2024/3/19
How did I dream about a whole new cultural revolution?
It’s crazy. The T shirts, the way people talk, the boiling sins.
2024/7/4
Haven’t dreamed something complete for a long time.
The pieces that stayed are random. But one clear shift - never dreamed about that person anymore, instead the older ones resurface. I dreamed about Q and Taiwan.
I can’t just say their names or call them explicitly. Maybe subconsciously I simply want to erase their existence.
Same thing goes to Beijing, he is just “that person”. It’s been so long, 7 years since the school. It feels like 2-3 years ago but actually 7.
Anyways, finally I stopped dreaming about or wanting to see him.
2024/7/6
Dreamed about 2 times some people getting randomly mad at me for things I didn’t do. I was upset in the dream but somehow let it be. A sign of maturity.
In the dream, there was a young guy. Either just a service guy or a connection from another friend but obviously for “companionship”. Young and tall and kind of handsome. I had no emotional attachment, he was a product, more like.
But he seems to have witnessed the two times where I got wrongly accused and how I handled it peacefully. I felt that we started to have some feelings developing, though very thin.
In a room with other people, we had an implicit sex, under clothes. I could feel his entry, his sigh. We kept it cool on the face.
In the dream I was waiting for us to get somewhere else, maybe go back home or get a room. In multiple dreams I always just wait. A reflection of real life.
Waiting for a thorough, deep, long fuck.