You can not wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.

You can not wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.
Yes, it's a simple fact. It's a fact that everyone knows.
 Being "asleep" is a state. Then, as soon as they are "woken up", the person who is in this state will naturally get out of it.
But "pretending to be asleep" is a choice. It is a choice one makes to pretend to be in that state, even if one is not really asleep.
One may be able to "change" another person's state, but one cannot "change" another person's choice.

After all, who can really change another person's heart?
After all, mortals are just mortals.

However, in the beginning, she didn't know it, or rather, she didn't realize it.
Was it because of ignorance, or because of naivety?
In any case, she tried to wake up someone who was pretending to be asleep.

--Perhaps, that person was really asleep, she thought.
Yes, that person could talk, walk, and show scary expressions, not at all like sleeping.
But maybe that person was sleepwalking.
Yes. That person must be sleepwalking, must be having a terrible, terrible nightmare. Must have been wandering aimlessly in the never-ending mist of the dream.

That's why the expression on that face was so frightening; that's why those eyes that swept over made people want to curl up into a ball.
So, that person must be woken up from the nightmare, right?
She thought so. And did so as well.

 You can't wake up someone who is sleepwalking too abruptly.
She knew that instinctively, so she was always careful.
She tried placing her handmade, fragrant food near the person's nose.
-- She tried to show that person the first little red flower she had earned, the first perfect exam paper, the first published article.
She tries to smile because she knows that person prefers her to smile.

She also tries to sprinkle icy droplets from her own drenched body on the other person's face, gently, gently.
--She tried to tell the person about the first time she had been ignored by her classmates, the first time she had been laughed at by her teachers, the first time she had been left alone in an empty school.
She tried not to cry because she knew that person didn't like her to cry.

Even though her food, no matter how tempting, would not get a second glance in response, even though the cold water drops on her body would only lead to a terrifying snarl.
Still, she keeps trying.
Like a lost ship sailing in a pitch-black sea where one cannot see one's hand in front of their face, like a castaway desperately trying to start a fire on an endless snowfield ravaged by a blizzard. She pursued an imagination lighthouse, longing for a miraculous spark.

She keeps trying.
For what if, just in the very next second, the guiding light would shine through the darkness? What if, just in the very next second, a spark of warmth would blossom in the snowflakes that cut the air?
So she keeps trying.
Even though the light never shines, and the fire was never lit.

Time passed.
How much time had passed? She didn't know herself.
That person still hadn't woken up from the nightmare.

Then one day, she suddenly realized. She realized, just like that.
That person probably wasn't sleeping at all.
Was it because her food and water drops never worked? Or because that twisted face didn't actually look like a sleeping face? Or because those thunderous roars were a thousand times different from the murmur in a dream?
Anyway, she just realized it like that.
That person wasn't asleep at all.
That person wasn't trapped by nightmares.
That person chose to be so.


That person chose to pretend to be asleep.


But even so. Even so, she still keeps trying.
--Because that person is clearly not having a nightmare.
Clearly, that person could "wake up" whenever that person wanted to.
Clearly, as long as that person doesn't choose to stay in that non-existent mist, everything will be fine.
If that's the case, why did that person choose to ignore all that delicious food, all those cold water drops?

You can't wake someone who is pretending to be asleep.
It's a simple fact. It's a fact that everyone knows.

Now, she knew that person wasn't asleep.
But she keeps trying anyway.
Was it because of ignorance, or because of naivety?
Perhaps it was just because of stubbornness, or maybe it was just because it felt so deplorable, or maybe it was just a continuation of instinctive habits.
--Or, was she just overestimating herself?

Anyway, just change that person's choice, it will be ok, right? She thought.
To make a person change their choice, they had to make that person realize that there were other choices.
She knew that.
So, how to make that person realize that? How to make that person realize that one actually doesn't have to choose to pretend to be in a nightmare?

Reach out.
Reach out her own hand.
It was the only way she could think of.
After all, no one wanted to be in a nightmare, right? even a fake one.
So, if her hand could reach through the mist in that person's heart, even that person would surely reach out and grab it, right?
So, she kept reaching out her own hand.

She tried to reach out her hand in a variety of ways.
From following all kinds of random and unrelated casual ramblings to following all kinds of bizarre and strange ideas.

From listening to every word to obeying every word.

Even if her own words would be cut off, even if her wounds would be ignored, even if her thoughts would be reprimanded, even if she obeyed more than ever, it would never, ever be enough.
Still, she tried to reach out her hand.
Like a drowning person struggling desperately again and again, trying to grab hold of any rope of grass that might be there on the shore; like a trapped beast jumping up again and again, trying to climb over the edge of the trap that might be there within reach.
Even though that hand was already drenched in blood.
She still reached out.

Because what if one day, that drowning person could escape the bottomless undercurrent? What if one day, that trapped beast could change its unreasonable fate?

What if one day, it will all eventually end after all?
What if this is the "choice" that person needs?
Just one last swim, just one last bounce.

What if this time, it's it?

So she keeps reaching out, again and again.
Even if the rope never appeared, the edge was always out of reach.


Time passed.

How much time had passed? She didn't know herself.

That person still hadn't grabbed her hand.

Then one day, she suddenly realized, she realized once again.
That person probably didn't want to grab her hand at all.
Was it because there had never been any feeling of touch on her hand? Or was it because that person’s every move and word didn't even look like wanting to grab her hand? Or was it because her own hand hanging in the air itself had already been too hurt to even cover the bone?
Anyway, she just realized it like that.
That person didn't want to grab her hand.
That person didn't want to choose any other choice.
That person chose to be so.

That person chose to pretend to be asleep.

You can not wake someone who's pretending to be asleep.
Because being asleep is a state, and pretending to be asleep is a choice.
After all, no one can truly change another person's heart.
After all, mortals are just mortals.

She understood this now.

Maybe it's because my food isn't tantalizing enough, because my water drops aren't cold enough, because my hands aren't strong enough, because I haven't been trying long enough.
She thought that sometimes.
But that was all.
After all, she was only mortal.

So, one day.
She looked at that person, at the one who pretended to be in a nightmare, who didn't want to wake up, who sleepwalked through the world, like a shadow.

 "Goodnight."
She mumbled quietly in her mind.